#1 – If LSU isn’t the best team in the country right now, you can suck my dick. The Tigers, who didn’t start their non-conference schedule with a shithole team, absoloutely eviscerated what was purported to be the 9th ranked team in the country. Although this was an advertisement for not ranking teams until October (much like the Appalachian State-Michigan game), it’s clear that Virginia Tech has a good team, and LSU just completely romped them. 78 passing yards? 71 rushing yards? When you average 2.7 yards per pass, that probably isn’t going to get it done. Based on performance thus far, who can make a legitimate case to be better than LSU right now? Fuck off if you try to bring any Applachian State bullshit. I suppose maybe Oklahoma could claim to be on the same level, but the Bayou Bengals are clearly the top cats right now.
#2 Fail! to the losers
Fail! to the conquered zeroes
Fail! Fail! to Michigan
the guys who wont fire Lllloyd
Fail! to the losers
Fail! to the conquered zeroes
Fail! Fail! to Michigan,
the chumps of college football
#3 OK, I’m not much of a musician, but I know a fair bit about football, and it’s obvious that most of Michigan’s players have flat out quit. That’s right, 2 games into the season they’ve quit. Of course, Mike Hart is exempt from the whole conversation, as he’s still playing like he gives a shit about his teammates, his school, and his school’s legacy. The rest of his teammates may as well have shit on the midfield logo and wiped their asses with the Go Blue banner. How Lllloyd Carr is still employed is beyond me. Every day that he is the head coach is a day that their recruiting suffers. Here’s what my game plan would be if I was Michigan A.D. Bill Martin (if I didn’t choose the “jump out a 20th story window” route):
- Fire Lllloyd
- Get someone to finish the season out as interim coach
- Give away the farm to get Les Miles
Les Miles has done a great job with LSU, and if you don’t think he’d leap at the chance to go to his alma mater, you’re delusional.
Fire Lllloyd. For the sake of your program.
#4 Yeah, I’m spending way too much time on one non-conference game between 2 unranked teams, but hey, YOU try to come up with 25 items. I just want to point out that Oregon looked like a dangerous team, and could be in the mix in the Pac-10. USC and Cal are still the class of the conference for now, but the Ducks should have a puncher’s chance against either of them. Oh, and the fake Statue of Liberty play? Brilliant.
#5 If Jimmy Clausen is the 2nd Coming of Christ, then Christ is a wino sitting on a streetcorner drinking Mad Dog 20-20 from a brown paper bag. Ntre Ame’s defense was better, but still gave up 24 points, while the offense posted a grand total of three. At least they had more points than rushing yards. That’s right altar boys, they had exactly zero rushing yards on 26 carries. Of course, Clausen did pile up -25 yards on 10 carries, which under NCAA rules means he probably got sacked for that yardage, but that still means that had 16 regular carries for a grand total of 25 yards. That’s, how you say, not good. The passing “attack” generated 144 yards, which means that Ntre Ame sucks. Well, that and about 500 other reasons. Rumor has it that next week’s Toliet Bowl between Ntre Ame and Michican’t will be on Lifetime after Versus passed on the rights.
#6 The other matchup between two ranked teams was #19 TCU and #7 Texas, and while TCU hung with them for three quarters, the Longhorns finally turned it on in the final stanza. This isn’t going to work when they play the iron of the Big 12, the “we’ll turn it on and pull it out when we have to” shit Do you really think that they can basically take three quarters off against Oklahoma? The answer is the same as the IQ of Louser Holtz: zero.
#7 Steve Spurrier has now guided South Carolina to victories over Florida, Tennessee, and Georgia during his tenure, which is a nice feat, but perhaps he should think about doing that all in the same season. That one big win a year is nice, but in the SEC, one big win a year means you’re mediocre. I’m sure that the Gamecocks didn’t bring him in to be merely mediocre, although that’s a fantastic step up from what he was with the Redskins. Clearly, South Carolina has risen a level or two with the Ol’ Ball Coach at the helm. Now it’s time to take the next step to legitimate SEC East contender.
#8 Yes, I am a Miami fan. No, I didn’t think that they were going to win in Norman. Of course, I didn’t think they were going to stomp a big mudhole into Da U either, but hey, you need to throw for TDs with 2 minutes to go in a blowout, be my guest. Just remember, there’s a return game.
#9 If you want complete assholic behavior, look to 1-A newbie Western Kentucky. When you’re up 59-0 against West Virginia Tech (an NAIA school for Christ’s sake), you do NOT need to pass for TDs. 87-0 for a scoreline is a disgrace, and not to WVT.
#10 Washington actually looked like a legitimate 1-A team in beating Boise State, ending the longest 1-A winning streak in the nation. I don’t want to see any stupid shit like “Jake Locker 4 Heisman” signs or anything, but he’s played well and Washington might get back to a bowl game this year. Too bad some of their teenage fans are douchebags.
#11 I’ve had enough of the Fresno State “we’ll play anyone anywhere” mantra. How about beating someone? Their reputation was established after they took out Oregon State and Wisconsin early in 2001, but that was 6 years ago, and the reputation has for outshone their accomplishments. Until they actually start winning games, and not coming close like they did against Texas A&M, they’re going to be a little sister and nothing more.
#12 I almost forgot about South Florida ruining Auburn’s season and the SEC’s strength of schedule. USF has done what Fresno State aspires to do: beat the big boys. 2 years ago, it was a buttfucking of Louisville. Last year was a stunner over West Virginia. This year is one of the true bluebloods taking the gas, in Auburn. If they can start to do it on a more consistent basis, they could become the 4th Florida power that Central Florida seemed to be on the cusp of doing with Daunte Culpepper and his double-donged attack. They have momentum, now they have to go out there and do it.
#13 Poor Tom O’Benedict. His comment that you could win no more than 9-10 games at BC while the sky is the limit at NCSU bit him in the ass on Saturday, as the sky fell squarely on Emo Harrison Beck and the Wolfpack, as BC ran out 37-17 winners. I cannot possibly conceive how a school that has never played in a major bowl game compares to a school that has played in and won major bowls. Maybe O’Benedict should work in some history reading with his Benedict Arnold: A Life biography.
#14 Wasn’t the move to the MAC supposed to make Temple competitive again? There should never be a 1-A game that involves Buffalo winning 42-7 under any circumstances whatsoever. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Temple needs to drop to 1-AA and play in the Colonial Athletic Association. They’d probably still be schooled by UMass, UNH, and the like, but they’d at least be competitive, and not an embarrassment to Bill Cosby and his Pudding Pops.
#15 We’ve had to listen to stories for years about the injustice of Gene Chizik not getting a head coaching job, and we’ve waited all of this time for results like “Kent State 23, Iowa State 14” and “Northern Iowa 24, Iowa State 13”? Fuck, Lllloyd Carr could do that.
#16 Can we automatically disqualify anyone from the national championship race if they gove up 42 points to Middle Tennessee State? Louisville, that means you.
#17 I don’t care how many time zones away you are, if you want to crash the BCS party, you need to do better than a 45-44 OT win over Louisiana Tech. Enjoy the Holy Fuck, Who Wants To Get Hit In 90 Degree Weather Bowl again.
#18 Lou Holtz sucks
#19 Troy scores 31 in the Swamp? As in Troy, Alabama? Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that can’t be a good sign, can it? They probably still beat the shit out of Tennessee, though.
#20 Syracuse blows. Their offense blows, their defense blows, special teams? Blows. Their uniforms look like the Sunkist orange came all over them, and the helmets look like they were stolen from a gay biker gang. I mean, Donovan McNabb blew chunks (literally) in the Super Bowl, but he’s never been this fucked up.
#21 The team that wasn’t complexly crushed against USC beats Cal Poly 20-13? Either Idaho had a supreme effort against USC, or the Trojans aren’t as advertised. As usual, it’s probably a little of both.
#22 Cincinnati isn’t that good, are they? Oregon State isn’t exactly a Top 5 power, but man, that was an old fashioned ass kicking from one end of Nippert Stadium to the other. I wouldn’t go and say they’ll contend in the Big East, but a nice 8 win season and a bowl game should be within reach.
#23 Thanks, West Virginia, for causing big heartburn by waiting until late in your contest with Marshall to cover the 24 point spread by a single digit. Degenerate gambler’s health isn’t the best to begin with, and doing that shit to them could cause a spike in heart attacks and strokes nationwide.
#24 Congrats to UMass, who won at Colgate for the 1st time in 5 visits, including at least one playoff matchup. The Minutemen, runners-up to Appalachian State last year for the 1-AA title, controlled the 2nd half and came away 35-17 winners. Not much else going on at the 1-AA level this week.
#25 The game of the week looks to be USC at Nebraska (suck it, UT-UF fans). I’ve been more or less badmouthing the Trojans all season (what a sex scandal THAT would be for The Meathead), but I do see them outlasting a Nebraska team that got all it could handle from Wake Forest. The Meathead says USC 31, Nebraska 21.
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